Crazy

(Intro)

YOU: Wow, Jason, it's great to see you back on here.

ME: Thank you, it's great to be back.

YOU: No seriously Jason, your charm and wit have been missed immensely. The planets have all fallen out of alignment and darkness has reigned on earth since you left our blogspot.

ME: Well, have no fear, chaps. I have returned with a most outstanding blog on this evening of reconciliation. I have surpassed all expectations and will have you begging for more of my most awesome blog shortly before you finish reading below.

YOU: Thank you, Oh thank you, Mr. Jason! We worship your very existence and curse the day of your imminent employment when you will no longer be available to scribe your most excellent blogs.

ME: It shall be done! Let us make haste and embrace the present in order that we may gain strength from my most excellent blog tonight! Come, let us tell of all the wonders and signs that have befallen since I have last blogged. Arise! Let us go forth!

(Exit Intro)

Let's just say that if this was the 60's and I wasn't pending background investigation, and I was in the same mindframe as a vast number of college students back then, there may be a bit of questionable drug use going on around here after the month that I've just had.

I mean, where do I begin?

Which story should I begin to tell concerning how my life has spun out of control in the past month since I have blogged?

Would you like to hear about the sickness I have endured? How about learning of the hives that are currently on my arms? Do I need to indulge everybody over how many employment applications I have put in for various positions worldwide, all for naught?

I know, you would rather hear of the A I made on my multimedia test, the fact that my potentially new employer actually contacted me and wants me to take a polygraph test next week, and I know you want to hear all about my wife had a birthday and she had a great time even though she had pneumonia.

It has been a rough time this month, but I am used to going through hardship and I am rolling with the punches as usual. My three courses that I am taking are really interesting for a change. Usually I'm stuck taking stupid classes that I won't use, but these fall in line with my career track, so I am happy to be taking them and actually learning something I will use. What a concept!

So let me catch you up on what's been going on:

I have put in for many jobs (one has to when one is collecting employment) and I've only had a few phone calls or emails. The ones that have called shortly shut me down due to not being qualified for the position. I'm not totally depressed about, since it has allowed me to go to school and move forward with education.
(Pause)

YOU: Jason, what's going on? Where is your wit, your comical vibe? Why aren't you impressing us with your sarcastic takes on life? What has happened in the past month?

ME: Ok, I've got to tell you this, but you have to promise not to speak of it to anybody, not even your imaginary friends. You know that mental state that they speak of, that way of being that they call sanity? Well, it was shortly after I last blogged that I was visited by aliens and was taken up to their spaceship. They shot something in my arm with a needle and I blacked out, and then when I woke up in my bedroom the next day, my sanity was gone! The aliens took it with them! I've been trying for the past month to apply for jobs at NASA in the hopes that they will send me up there to try to get my sanity back from the aliens.

YOU: Uh.....

ME: Not really, but it's more interesting than telling you that my brain is fried right now and I need to get off of here so I can study for my exams I have this week. I'm so sorry that my mind is drawing a blank tonight. I will have to resume my tales of the past month on my next blog concerning Pooka and Claire, Stacey and K-dog. I am completely wiped out.

YOU: Um, okay...see ya...

(Exit Pause)

I am so tired right now, I guess I should have waited until tomorrow to try to reinstate my blog for my whole two fans to see it. I hope you girls are having a better week than I am.

Don't Need Any IRA's, Apparently I'm Nonqualified

Let me tell you a story. (No, I didn't get this from the "Burn Notice" commercial)

Guy has a great job. Guy loses his job. Guy searches for other jobs, including one that's even "secretarial" in the hopes he can at least gain some type of employment.

Guy gets email after email saying that he's not "qualified" for any of these jobs.

Guy reads qualifications on job posting: Answers phones, arranges travel, performs reports using Microsoft Office Word, Excel, Powerpoint, 2-3 years experience as administrative personnel.

Guy reapplies for position, thinking there must be some mistake. After all, his most excellent resume shows all the bodacious stuff he's experienced in, and knows he's well qualified to make coffee, answer phones, and scratch his head while patting his tummy.

Guy gets second notice stating he's not qualified again and is a complete turd for reapplying for the same job.

Guy initiates jihad against infidel company that has dissed him twice.

I'm not allowed to disclose the specifics for fear of corporate snipers hiding in the nearby trees, but this is what I have been through everyday for the past month and it is getting old fast. This tells me that I'm either a complete worthless turd or the job market...oh, how shall I say it?...SUCKS.

Thank God we're out of the recession. I'm so glad the media cleared that up for us.

More Info Coming Soon

I'm too tired to write anything wonderful on here tonight, but I will let you know that I am back...and I am bad. I have just downloaded a new CD, and it has given me inspiration to start blogging again regularly. Actually, the CD is for THE OMNIPOTENT MOMMY whom seems to be grateful that I made it for her. I feel like a high school kid making his love interest a mixed tape. THE OMNIPOTENT MOMMY pointed out to me this morning that I have not been as affectionate or made her feel wanted in a while. I can only apologize and say that it is unintentional and most likely due to the stress of adjusting to my new lifestyle and the seemingly everlasting search for new and gainful employment. I thought a new CD that she could listen to at work would make her smile and realize that I was thinking of her. Of course I am going to make myself a copy, but the point is the songs were for her and I think she will enjoy it, especially the three Miley Cyrus songs I put on it. You don't have to be a teenager to enjoy Hannah Montana.

I will update my month soon...stay tuned, my peeps.

Live Long, and Prosper...

TO BE CONTINUED

Don't Call It A Comeback, I've Been Here for Years...

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, tis' I. I have returned to inform you of the follies to which I have succumbed to in this past week.

But First, perhaps an explanation as to why I have not been on here:

I have had finals with Science class to deal with, job searches to conduct, and I've been sort of depressed and didn't really feel like blogging last week. THE OMNIPOTENT MOMMY has urged me to get back on here and write, so I am inclined to do so, at least for her benefit. She seems to enjoy it, and really, if nobody else did, that would still make it worth writing.

So last week was not so wonderful. I turned 33 years old, Michael Jackson died (on my birthday), Farrah Fawcett also died (On my birthday as well), and I was reminded that not only is life short, but even if you have a gazillion plastic surgeries and bleach your skin white and love children to the point of pedophilia, you are still going to fall asleep with roses in your hands and there's nothing you can do about it. I was telling my buddy Kevin today that I hope I get a job in DC so when the big mushroom cloud erupts over our capital city (and you can go to Vegas and bet on it) because we have allowed all this stupid mess into our country, I can at least get a front row seat to the big show and be vaporized instead of having to go through cancer or heart disease or something stupid like that. I wouldn't mind going instantaneously, where you're walking along and all of a sudden you're wandering among the clouds with your harp and halo.

It has been hard shopping for jobs this past week. I am finding better things to do, like being depressed about having to find jobs. I need to get up and get moving and stop worrying all the time. I love my children but I have come to the conclusion that I am not meant to be a housewife.

So anyway, a summary of the week's events:

Saturday: We went to our friend Jodi's house and she fixed us her famous enchilada recipe. Then we all went out to play in her backyard, which is the size of Canada and I kicked some balls around for Claire and Pooka so they could run after them and it would wear them out. We then proceeded to scarf some birthday cake down and watch some TV show about idiot drivers.




At Jodi's




Jodi's


Sunday: We went to church and then yet AGAIN Jodi took us out to eat at Asian Garden. As far as Asian food goes, I shall not look back from now on and am now a big fan of the restaurant. They have it all: Sushi, Chinese, Japanese, ChingChongese, and all the awesome food from the Orient. It was delicious!

Monday: Vacation Bible School for Claire this week! This means I get to take her to school and drop her off for THREE HOURS every day so Pooka and I can have some guy time. I whipped out the Buffalo wings, chips and salsa, and Pooka brought the keg! (It's root beer, honest) I went to see Kevin at his office and when I came out, the meter maid Police Officer hit me with a $25 fine to pay for expired tags! AWESOME!!! I went to Warrenton's finest Police Force and asked them to kindly remove the ticket since I had the registration paper in my driver's window, and if the officer would have tilted his head .0000000000000001 degrees North he would have clearly seen that the tags were on it's way and I had paid for them already. The receptionist there said I would need a citation to take care of it!! Shock! I found the meter maid walking in the town and explained to him about it, and he told me to come back on Wednesday and he would write me up a citation! YEEESSSS!!!

Tuesday: More Vacation Bible School! The guy time was awesome! Clearly they must do this more than once a year. Suggestion Box anywhere?

Wednesday: I'll give you two guesses where Claire went this morning. And while she was there, I mosied on over to the Warrenton's Finest Little Police Department Around the Corner and asked them to call Mr. Meter Maid so he could write me up a most excellent citation. While I was waiting on Mr. Meter Maid, I happen to read the fine print on the back of the ticket where they explain what a citation MEANS. To summarize it with a scientific formula (for I am currently taking my 2nd science class), Citation= Court Time x Officer's Word against Yours. When Mr. Meter Maid arrived, I just told him to forget it. I went over to the Town of Warrenton office and donated my $25 to Mr. Meter Maid's retirement fund. Praise Jesus! After my police adventure, I went over to my buddy Kevin's office and got on the computer and applied for a few jobs.

Let me tell everybody about my buddy Kevin. This guy is just flat awesome. He is a CPA, Oracle wizard, and he can work on two computers at the same time like he has four arms or something. If you can't get along with K-Diddy you need to confess your sins and acquire an attitude adjustment, for there is none that can beat his upbeatiness. However, when it comes to job searching, he is not in the best of moods. Misery loves company, so I had to go over there today and hang out with my K-dog and initiate the internet job search with him. The following conversation ensued:

"Kevin, I have some good news. I recently received an "A" on my first science class, and this is cause for celebration. To celebrate, I am taking you to Starbucks and we are getting some caffeine to jolt us awake from this slump."

"Jason, I think I will take you up on that."

So off to Starbucks we went. We pull into the drive-thru (for we were in a hurry) and I asked K-Diddy what delicious beverage he would like to have.

This next part that I'm about to tell you is absolutely 100% the truth. He looks at me and to the amazement of my ears, mutters one word. A word so despicable that I cannot even believe that my friend Kevin had the tenacity to exclaim.

And the word, my friends, was this: "DECAF".


For just a second, you could have heard a pin drop. I mean, a friend takes you to Starbucks, and you order a Decaf? I laugh at the absurdity. I looked at him and said, "No seriously man, what do you want?" And then, to my horror, realized the truth: He was serious.

You used to be put to death for lesser crimes. Thank the Lord we live in a century where we have a kinder justice system.

I had to rationalize it out: My buddy Kevin is a good friend of mine. He occasionally laughs at my jokes and we go to the same church. We both have children that are about the same age and they get along and play together. Our wives get along with each other and we all like to hang out and watch our kids destroy living rooms. Oh, and he likes to go to Starbucks and order decaffinated coffee.

I guess I can live with that. I think he was just being nice anyway and didn't want me to spend my money on him. One day I am going to buy him a steak with my fat wad of cash and tell him it is to make up for the decaf all those years ago.

Anyway, we had to swing by Kevin's house after the decaf trip, and Pooka was hanging with his buddy Joseph (Kevin's son) there. I had to go pick up Claire at VBS, so Amy (K's wife) turned Pooka back over to me and I rode up there to get her. Amy had to pick up Mary Ellen (K's daughter) from VBS as well, and they were having an ice cream social when we arrived. Amy and I stood there and watched the children drop chocolate ice cream all over themselves. I went to get some wipes from the diaper bag, and Pooka had so much ice cream on him that I think I used half of the wipes on him alone. Joseph kept running off and Amy was chasing after him. Claire and Mary Ellen were sort of standing there in a state of bliss while they smeared chocolate into their mouths. All of this was well coordinated, of course, right before lunch and nap time. The children were wired on the way home. Pooka was singing and Claire was watching her movie in the van. I was glad to get back home so I could feed them and get them in bed.

Soooooo, here I am once again, on the computer, blogging away my existence. I have a few "serious" thoughts for you before I finish out:

It was a tragedy last week with the passing of Michael Jackson. It was apparent that the man clearly had psychological issues. He just wanted to be left alone, and the public drove him bananas with the paparazzi and the publicity and the craziness. His pedophilia accusations didn't help him either. Whether he was guilty or innocent, he clearly had some mental issues. It is sad to know he is gone from this life.

Billy Mays also died last week...tragic.

Farah Fawcett...just another example that the world can only give you so much. It is so sad.

But anyway, that's enough seriousness. We can't have too much of that going around. Pooka and Claire are in bed snoring. I hope you have a great day! Maybe I can get on here more often now.


Live long, and prosper.


J

O'er The Land of The Free

Yesterday was a waste of time. I skipped yesterday's blog because if I had a choice in the matter, I would have skipped yesterday altogether. I was sick, Nicholas was sick, THE OMNIPOTENT MOMMY was on the go, and it was just downright crazy up in here. The only fortunate incident relative to my story is that one of the positions I applied for needs to be filled rather quickly, and the company called to phone screen me, which is the first step to an interview process. The position is in Reston, so if I get the job I am going to be beside you in 66 traffic stuck behind the non-English speaking people who obviously have different driving standards in their home country. The good news is with all that drive time I can implement some measures I have been wanting to but haven't had the time. I can:

• Learn a foreign language
  
• Study for an educational course


• Listen to stupid talk shows and laugh at idiots


• Listen to the morning news and get depressed


• Read a book
  

This, of course, is the positive way of having to deal with Northern VA traffic.

Today my sweet children let me sleep in until 8! That is unheard of. I can't remember the last time this has happened. They went to bed late, so that may have been a factor. We were sitting around watching cartoons this morning and I had my shirt off while I was feeding the chidren. Nicholas points to my chest and says "Boobie". I think he was really trying to say "Baby", but nevertheless, push-ups are now added to my morning routine.

We had adventure time today. I had to go set up a payment plan for Claire because she is starting pre-school this year. While we were there at the office, the children would not obey my wishes and had to constantly touch everything in sight. The poor secretary there had to whip out a few stuffed bears for them to play with, which made me bring up the question: "Are you giving those to them or are they just using them?" to which she replied, "No, I need them for the other children." This of course was not a good situation for me, because I knew once Claire had to give hers back she would be crying for a bear, and, as if I had psychic abilities given from above, of a surety this event happened. Therefore I felt sorry for her and told her we would go to town and get her a bear, since she only has about 14,000,000 stuffed animals at home and that is clearly not enough for my sweet princess. Sooooooo, off to Walmart we went.

Due to the current CD that is playing in our van, I feel somewhat patriotic now considering it is patriotic songs for kids (Star Spangled Banner, My Country Tis' of Thee, etc.). As a result, I have decided to take more pictures than usual of today's events and post them on here. Truly, this is the land of the free! I am still proud to be an American.

Tis' Yonder Children



Tis' I, J da Great


Local cow field


Yet another local cow field


What it's all about


The Fruited Plain


The Fauquier Motel Sign....Uhhhh, maybe this doesn't go with the rest of the pics


Direction of our travels homeward




To finish out our theme, we have LIBERTY High School

The children are now sleeping and I am tired. I think I am going to relax for a few. You have a good day!

J

Isotopes, Nuclides, and Atoms, Oh My!

Come with me as I visit the past for a minute. Join me in my time machine that I have recently perfected:

I'm stationed at Naval Air Station Pensacola about 9 years ago, and I'm attending an aviation school that has a section we must pass to qualify as an aviation radiographer. We are sitting in class, and I'm reading over my study material. As I'm reading over the atomic weight of beryllium and how alpha particles are dangerous but cannot penetrate even a slab of cardboard, the thought occurs to me that I will never really need to know this information, I just want to work on airplanes. Of course, after I completed the school, I was an aviation inspector and we x-rayed F18's and other numerous aircraft to check for cracks in the structures. I used that information on a daily basis. If I had known the importance of it, I might not have been so reluctant to learn about gamma rays, decay, and dosage limits.

Okay, fasten your seat belt! We're going back to the present. Put away your Bush/Cheney bumper stickers and embrace Socialism!

So now I'm sitting here reading my science book, and it's one of those courses where I'm thinking, I will never really need to know this information, I just want to get my degree. Lo and behold, the very chapter that I am studying is on atomic weight, radiation, dosage limits, gamma rays, decay, and pretty much the same stuff that I aforementioned.

My overactive and constantly wandering imagination kicks in:

Could this be deja vu? Is this some weird parallel experience that I have stumbled upon, to think that I will never use this stuff and then end up using it again? All of this has happened before, and it will happen again. Will I be a nuclear scientist, or just go back to working on airplanes? Is this my mission in life? What am I supposed to do? Did I not get enough genes passed on to me during conception? Maybe Darwin was right and we descended from monkeys. I could go for some Chunky Monkey ice cream right about now. I wonder if Star Trek is on TV. The kids are still asleep, I better finish my science homework.

So since I've had this sort of parallel experience, I thought I would share it with everybody. It probably means nothing, but it sure sounds cool.

When I put the children down for naptime, they were not going down easily but they nevertheless succumbed to their destiny as quiet, sleeping, wonderful children. But before that, we goofed around for a few:


Claire and I Cheesin' for the camera (Click on the pic, you can see my nose hairs)



Nicholas chose not to participate

The children are still in bed taking their afternoon nap. This happens to be a glorious occasion. I am so happy when it is total quiet in this place and I can get stuff done.

You have a wonderful afternoon! I have class tonight, so if I don't see you this evening, you have a wonderful life experience and I'll catch you in the AM.

J

See Ya at the Crossroads, So You Don't Get Lonely...

To add a certain sense of adventure to my seemingly endless search for proper employment, I have decided to paste an email I wrote my buddy Kevin a week ago:

K-Diddy:

I'm sitting here trying to get it together man. I saw a great FAA job on here, but they require about a zillion KSAO's so it will take me a while to get it done, and the children are not going to let me do it. Claire has to go potty about 40 times, and Nicholas is climbing all over me while I'm trying to type. I have a midterm due (online) tonight and, of course, I have to be at church. I am not complaining about the church time but you understand that I cannot get anything done with children hanging off of me like two chimps swinging on a tree, so I am a bit frustrated that they will not allow me to get any job hunting done. Stacey may have bought us time until August, but if I don't have something by then I might be the guy that's asking you if you want fries with that burger. (Not to make fun of fast food industry workers, but it won't pay the bills.) You know what I'm saying.

On a positive note, I just had to pause to pick up Nicholas because he is in snuggle mode and he wants his Daddy. He is in a good mood so he is snuggling down. It feels good to spend some time with them because I never get to do this. Maybe it is a gift.

I hope you're having some blessings on the job search. It is dry for me today in that aspect. See you tonight in C-Town.

Pressing Onward,

Jam Master J

This was an email I sent about a week ago, but I have had a few calls and emails to set up interviews. I think I am progressing. Nevertheless, the email description is a typical day for me as I search.

I have reached a crossroads in my career path decision. I just don't know what I'm going to do now since the financial industry has been destroyed by greedy idiots. I am so lost on this, so very uncertain of what's to come. I need God's guidance in all of this. I don't know what I'm doing half the time.

Now on to more Adventures in Babysitting:

I finally put Pooka and Princess down for bed around 8:15 PM, but since they napped today until 4:30 PM, they are not very tired tonight. They are still up making all kinds of racket. It is endless. I heard Claire calling for me, but once again I chose to ignore it for about 30 seconds. Luckily, I remembered what happened earlier today when I chose to embrace ignorance, and I went in there to see what she needed. It was a terribly important ordeal. Her little baby pony who wears a fake diaper needed a diaper change, she insisted. As I went to change the diaper, I noticed there was something rather slick on it...No, I profoundly thought, it can't be...it musn't. But, of a surety, upon glancing toward my son's crib, there appeared before me a rather slickened jar of Vaseline that had been brought out of the drawer that I stupidly kept in their room. Vaseline on Nicholas, Vaseline on his crib, Vaseline all over the place. After going through the finger incident and then being so tired as I already was, I bellowed for THE OMNIPOTENT MOMMY to come help me clean all this mess that had now ruined my relaxed state. After working a full day, she was thrilled beyond belief to help me clean Vaseline off of the bedrails and toys. Of course, I have no-one but myself to blame.

I am off to finish Science assignments for my class tomorrow night. I wish you and yours a very blessed evening. See ya tomorrow!

J